A Subversive Guide: How To Succeed At Failing For Those Determined To Try

Anyone can say they want to be successful. They can make big claims and talk about how unsatisfied they are with their home life, their work life, their love life; then make a big change, really get their act together and smash the heck out of that mean ole goal – yeah! That’ll show ‘em, and everybody else! Yeah!

But we’re here to say: SO WHAT.

Anybody can be successful in the normal traditional sense of the word. That’s old fashioned. That’s boring. Hip, young, fidget-spinning dub-step dabbers know that the real glory comes in failing, and so to help keep you on the edge of what’s really cool, we’ve put together a guide to help those of you who are truly determined to do just that!

Have Zero Ambition
Seems easy enough! Just don’t care about anything, anyone, or anything that happens enough to take action in any way.

Whatever happens, just go with the flow. Leaf on the wind. The Zen masters have talked about the value of this technique for years, and even though they didn’t necessarily mean for it to encourage your eternally-lazy mom’s-basement-dwelling lifestyle: roll with it! Let’s be honest, you likely have absolutely nothing else going for you anyway.

Make Zero Effort
Say you slipped up and actually had a brief moment where you thought about doing something. Maybe you drank too much coffee, or talked with a motivational counselor. Whatever the case, there’s no reason to throw away months of avoiding thinking of the future now.

Just do nothing. You’ve already got no ambition, so this should be easy. Maybe just sleep for a few days, or just sit where you are and breathe. Don’t get up for a drink. Don’t change the channel. Give up and completely opt out. With enough time you’ll have this step down easily!

Do Not Plan
If you’ve mastered the art of becoming a couch decoration, chances are you’ll coast right through this step with no problems whatsoever.

To fail to plan is to plan to fail, so by all means set no sights, raise no ruckus, and for god’s sake do not write down any kind of future based target-of-achievement, no matter how vaguely attainable it may first seem. It’s a trap. They are all traps! Traps to keep you from succeeding at failing; you must be constantly vigilant against such temptations if you ever hope to reach your goal of not having one.

Don’t Get Frustrated
Your friends, your family, co-workers, loved ones…they are all going to try and stymie your dreams. They’ll say things like, “Isn’t it about time you got out of bed?” and, “It’s been a month, how long do you intend to wear that same shirt?”.

These people are “Anti-Failers”. You can’t afford to have your vision belittled by those who don’t share it, so don’t let these well intentioned un-enablers keep you from reaching your goal to fail. Their inability to understand your depth of commitment to achieving nothing shouldn’t stop you from trying to not succeed at conventional success.

Ditch The PMA
PMA? Positive Mental Attitude. Won’t need any of that! Go ahead and find wherever that was half-assedly wired into your head and rip it right out. Totally useless.

First of all, nobody wants to be around one of those annoyingly cheerful and peppy people that won’t shut up about how great everything is. Secondly, if you start by being positive you could end up believing in yourself and actually getting something accomplished – and that defeats the whole purpose of this article. So stay negative! It’s actually pretty easy. Any time a glimmer of hope or positivity rears its fuzzy little head bash it in with a hammer FAST.

Make Everything Urgent And Nothing Important
Rush from task to task and shiny thing to shiny thing without thought. Don’t take the time to focus or prioritize anything. Zip! Zip! Zip!

If you want to be all about succeeding at failing you need to understand that every single thing is urgent enough that you have to neglect all else in order to rush and chase it down, but nothing is actually so important that you need to put forth any effort to achieve it…except for the things which are important, on which you should focus all of your attention and throw a violent fit when they don’t go 100% your way.

Only Focus On Yourself
Is there even anyone else? I mean, if you’re honest with yourself most days all these other ‘people’ running around are just characters in your play, NPC’s in your game, created solely to exist for your entertainment and service.

Other people come and go, but you’re stuck with yourself forever. So make sure: if you have to be neglectful, it’s only of others; you’re too precious to deny. See, other people have things they think are important like family, or their health and happiness; while those paltry items might hold some momentous significance to them, there’s no reason to bother yourself with caring – again, that takes effort.

In Closing…
Keep it all in perspective. You won’t succeed at failing overnight; it takes years and years of concentrated lack-of-effort to truly reach the point of being a complete and total fuck-up, but we have confidence you can achieve it!

Just keep not trying your best, giving the minimal required amount of effort, and coast through your existence whenever possible. There will be those who tell you how proud they are of their accomplishments and all they’ve achieved with their lives, all the difference it’s made in their life and the lives around them – but thank god you won’t ever have to worry about that problem!

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