I awaken from the beautiful distortions of reality my mind has created while i slept with the same old perspective. In my dreams i can defeat creatures, cure diseases, protect my friends and family from the ravagers that continue to bombard us. I wield my weapon of choice for this battle lying the enemy like dominoes at our feet as we walk across their corpses always it seems through some narrow hallway.
written by Bobbette Scott
There’s a bright light at the end of the corridor. We can all see it and can feel the suns heat radiating through the entrance as we reach for the light it fades and the cold damp enclosure we are in fills with the stench of rotting flesh. We turn back and the scene has changed. The memory starts to fade as I desperately try to hold on to to confident strong willed woman i portrayed grasping at heroic moments of my recent adventure.
I could conquer anything there….but here…here I return to my weak, oversized vessel and my heart begins to palpitate as the hatred and disgust for the body I am in weighs me down. I return to the reality of it all and the anger building in my gut turns into pain as I take my first step trying to stand straight from my weightless slumber.
My muscles refuse to give way and my legs refuse to straighten. My bones grind together slipping across each other with no tissue protecting them as the full weight of my body presses down on my deteriorated knees. I reach for my crutches to aid my balance so I can take a few steps to assist my legs to limber up enough to stand and take the few meager steps I can manage with these aluminum legs assisting my weak, deteriorating ones.
As I try to plant my feet with each step the excruciating pain radiates through my body. My scalp tingles, then my eyes feel like they have been salted as I continue to gain motion and my body awakens with each step. I want to sit down, I feel as though my legs will give way. I feel weak and frightened about new symptoms rearing their ugly heads limiting me even further.
This new spine injury after my calf lengthening surgery causing my blood to feel like is burning through my body my veins on fire up to my head distorting my vision and making my lips feel as though a hot pepper had been rubbed against them.
I close my eyes trying to grasp at the imagery of the dream I just had as it starts to fade. Details blur, the walls disappear into oblivion I close my eyes screaming in my head forgetting the great warrior I was as I stare into the darkness left behind as I think of my day and my legs give in.
I stand straight trying to take inventory of the abilities I still have though I deteriorate each day. I can walk a few steps, see, hear, taste, touch, but most of all love. I see my love and I smile knowing I am blessed with a great deal more than so many others. The anger and self pity subside as I try to think of ways to bring a smile to his face.
Why do I wake each day? What does this world expect of me? The answer is to LIVE…just live each day as though I am dreaming. I can be STRONG, FEARLESS, and IN TUNE with my surroundings. I can touch the petals of a rose and feel the velvet surface against my face. I close my eyes and let the sun feed my skin. I listen to the sounds around me. I drown out the cars and noises and listen to the music of nature. The winds are calling me on adventures. I feel like I can let go and let them carry me to the next adventure even if the adventures are in my mind.
I am trying so hard to fight to get better….but my body is weak…I don’t know what to do sometimes so I read this to remind myself..
Take faculty of what you do have…be proud you have it and not neglectful.