Love people but hate gatherings? Always making plans to avoid making plans? Do you own a sweater that was once wool but is now comprised solely of gobs of cat hair holding hands? You may just be an introvert! But do not despair! There’s no reason your crippling mental disorder, fear of other humans ,and open places should keep you from participating in the greedy rush of capitalism that is promised to you.
Towards this goal we here at Subversion Magazine have put together these tips for the introvertpreneur out there looking to quietly take over the world from their blanket fort.
Use a Life/Action/Business Coach
Not HIRE! Heavens no. USE.
You don’t want to start to make money by losing it on any of those well-intentioned Seth Godin quoting blowhards, but by all means “make friends” with a few and be sure to use their constant nagging encouragement as a means to acclimatize yourself to communicating with the most vapid and empty of human beings. Consider this a dry run of what it might be like to deal with real live breathing humans that have some semblance of a soul.
Become a Graphic Designer
Don’t do marketing or code or anything like that, just do graphics. You’re a shut in and have plenty of time so take a few online courses via youtube to learn how to put text over pictures of the ocean and you’re more than half way there.
See, there are plenty of small businesses who are willing to use the most crappy of clip-art for their logos and promotional products; these will be your bread and butter.
Sure, you’re just using the same cheap clip art graphics they would but you’ve learned to use the hue slider bar, can make things different colors, and know how to use copy/paste — which honestly puts you years ahead of anything they might attempt. And don’t worry about the occasional and totally predictable nervous breakdowns that will ensue – they are expected! – and actually allow you to charge even higher rates when accompanied by the phrase “but I’m an award winning GRAPHIC DESIGNER!”.
Social Media Marketer
Let’s be honest this is the second most bullshit new career choice right next to “brand strategist” and “search engine optimization guru”.
97% of this job is bullshitting the client to hire you long enough to make your cash and GTFO.
If you have mastered the inspirational words over a pretty picture task from the previous suggestion you’re well on your way to introvert-gold! Return On Investment (ROI) is sort of an on-going joke here, not that you’ll have to worry because most clients don’t even know what that is much less why they should be worried about it.
If you assure them during the sign up process that “nothing happens overnight” and later on that “you’re adjusting the data based on your initial analytics” you’ll be able to string them along for long enough to keep your seven cats well fed indeed.
That’s right! Become a long haul trucker. If you think about it this really is the introverts ultimate dream! Miles and miles of open road, plenty of quiet time, and best of all: NO PEOPLE! Sure, you will inevitably have to deal with idiot drivers or the occasional gas pump attendee, but only at a distance.
The only down side is it will keep you away from your dozens of kitties for extended periods of time, which ultimately isn’t a huge concern as the crushing stress of the constant vigilance required to power a 16-ton machine across the country will surely wear you down long before they consume the mountain of meow mix you set out before you left.
Become a Writer
Writers have a long tradition of not only being frequent shut-ins but also of having a wide variety of mental illnesses as well as crushing addictions – so you’ll be in good company!
Pick a topic and just start writing, although we recommend self-help as it’s a genre in which you likely already have some exposure. Fill notebooks, scrawl illegible and mysterious notes on scrap paper and window panes; be generally strange — it will only add to your mystique and appeal posthumously if nothing else.
You can even turn this into a lucrative business that no one ever needs to know about by becoming a ghost-writer for someone famous or by ghost-blogging for business owners who are too lazy to write about what they supposedly love to do for a living.
What You Need To Know…
There are options. Even for you.
No matter how overwhelming your introversion or other personal demons may seem there is hope for those willing to keep searching for it.
Maybe this one job isn’t for you, that’s fine, now you know what you don’t want to do. Keep trying! Keep looking! Think about what you love doing and find a way to get people to pay you to do it, it’s as simple as that, and if you keep looking you’re sure to find something suitable to your talents. Who knows, there may be mobile cat pickup and babysitting company just waiting to be founded by you, or hey, take up knitting and put some of that spare cat hair to good use!